Monday, May 14, 2012

Comfort in Confusion

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand." - Jesus

Hey, friends. I made some very happy memories this weekend, but today they are sharply contrasted by overwhelming grief. I don't mean to put a downer on your Monday, but I just need a place to put my thoughts today. (And before you read on, our baby, to my knowledge, is just fine.)

I have experienced losing people who are close to me many times throughout my life. So much so that sometimes, sadly, I almost think I have become desensitized to death. I have attended the funerals of countless family and friends of all ages...from children to great great grandparents, and while I have mourned the loss of each one, very few have left me feeling bitter and angry and confused.

Sometimes it's an illness or a tragedy, but in most cases at the end of the day those close to me that have passed were taken under the care of a doctor or in an accident. It is absolutely horrible when a young person who has so much life to live seems to be cheated out of that life in a tragic accident, and it leaves those who are left behind in shock and disbelief. It is, however, an entirely different feeling to know in your heart that someone's life was ended at the hand of another...on purpose. Out of deference to the family I won't share details here today, but that is exactly the feeling I'm left with on this Monday morning.

I had a wonderful weekend celebrating Mother's Day, but I think I'll wait until tomorrow to share it. I spent so much of the past two days crying while trying to put on a good face for the girls and lost so much sleep that, mixed with allergies, this morning I have a terrible sinus infection. I can't stand without my head throbbing in sharp pain. Yes, I have dealt with death of family and friends more than my share in my lifetime, but I haven't struggled with it like this until now.

I honestly don't know how I would be handling these feelings when they come if it weren't for my faith. I don't know where my peace would come from or how I could continue to function at all. I believe that God has never had an "aha!" moment. Nothing takes him by surprise. He doesn't make mistakes. I am under the care of a creator who has a plan, and who has always had that plan, and who offers a promise that ALL who call upon his name will spend eternity with him. So, the events of this weekend were only a shock to us. God called one of his children home, as he always planned to do.

John 14:1-2

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.

I take comfort in knowing that I don't live my life in chaos, but in order, even if I can't see that order from my prospective. I can look back on past circumstances and think "Whew! Glad I dodged that bullet" even that if that "bullet" was something I really really wanted at the time. I can only see the order from the prospective of time. So to a God that isn't limited by time or space, I am grateful that he has a plan for my life. It's not a feeling I have, but a promise He has made me.

He had a plan for our friend as well, and for his family and those closest to him. And that is the only thing keeping my head above water right now. I can't see it. I don't understand it. But I take comfort in knowing that someday it will make sense. I will see order in the confusion. I always do. And knowing that our friend was without a doubt a young man of God, I know that HE isn't sad at all today. He is walking streets of gold in paradise.

Today I am praying primarily for peace and strength for all of those closest to him that he left behind. But I am also praying fervently for truth to be revealed and justice to be served.

I hope that all of you were able to enjoy a fun and relaxing weekend. Among the tears were a lot of happier moments for us. So I hope you'll check back tomorrow for that. :) For now I am going to try to nurse my headache and try to keep my little ones as quiet as possible - a challenge, that's for sure! Have a good Monday, pals. I hope and pray that you, too, have a peace that surpasses all understanding. Hugs and love.


The Independent Spinster said...

Oh Adrien...I am sorry for your loss. If you need anything at all, let me know.

Ashley Mitchell said...

So sorry for your loss.

Melissa W. said...

I've never been so sure in all of my life that this particular young man went STRAIGHT to heaven.

Adrien said...

Thank you, everyone, and thank you for the message you sent, Melissa. If anyone feels led to do anything for the family, PRAYER is the best way to help them now. There's so much more I wish I could share here about the awesome life this young man left behind, but for now I just don't feel comfortable putting it on a public blog.

Andrea Ingles said...

Adrien, I couldn't have said it any better. Thank you for this post. My heart aches so bad.

Meagan said...

Keeping you & the family in my prayers!


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