Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Shouldn't Have Worn the Zebra Stripes

I should have known when I reached into my drawer yesterday and could only find one old pair of zebra striped underwear (that would accommodate my burgeoning backside) that my afternoon was going to be just a little bit...silly.

Depending on the day of the week and the time of my appointment, sometimes the girls have to tag along with Eric and me to the baby doctor. This is usually a little bit of a disaster, but whatareyougonnado, really? My monkey-climber Gracie does not discriminate against scaling to new heights any place she goes, and so the first thing she does of course is to try to climb on every table and chair she can find. Yesterday, she also decided to give some of her new friendship techniques a try by handing everyone in sight a magazine of her very own choosing.

When I excused myself to the ladies room to leave my obligatory sample behind, Grace threw a kicking and screaming fit, because she wanted to follow me through the heavy door and down the hall of mystery and excitement. Let's just say, Eric ultimately decided to get her hiney out of there take her for a little stroll around the hospital. :) Evelyn, whom I believe has new medical aspirations, decided to stay behind with mommy and see the doctor. And what is the first thing she does as soon as Eric leaves our doctor's office?

What's a nice way to put this? Hmm...she started tooting her little horn. Like, in a semi-silent but deadly sort of way. In a waiting room. With people coming in and out. And all I could do was try really, really hard not to bust a gut while nonchalantly glancing at others in a "that so wasn't me" sort of way. I kept whispering to Evie to "please stop that" through my now uncontrollable fits of giggles. I couldn't hop up fast enough when they finally called me back!

My little motorboat took my hand and led me through the doors where I stepped up on the scale and saw numbers that give me nightmares. And as soon as I stepped off Evie blurts, "Whew, that was a close one, mom!" I'm already laughing, so of course everything my darling daughter says or does from this point on completely sends me over the edge. I'm sure everyone in the office thought I was a total nut job, but for real...I just could NOT stop laughing.

So we get into the room where I give Evelyn strict instructions to sit on the chair while mommy gets checked out. There she sat with my iPhone in her chubby little hands playing a game while the nurse starts to take my blood pressure. I'm trying to block out memories from the waiting room, which are still making my lips quiver, when Ev looks up from the phone and smirks. "Are you feeling the squeeze, mama?" Bahahaha.... My poor nurse...I was trying so so hard to sit still, but my whole body was shaking.

"Yep," I manage to squeak out, and even the nurse is laughing at this point. After a few quick seconds of routine check up Evelyn decided that the iPhone was no longer entertaining enough for her, and as the nurse was walking out of the room she stopped her to ask, "Hey, do you got any good magazines?"

Oh my child. :)

Now usually my doctor is in the room within minutes of the nurse. But of course on this day, that was not the case. I was getting worried for Eric's sanity, because I know how Gracie can be in public places, and I was having flashes of my kid sneaking into elevators and running down hallways. Meanwhile, the unthinkable happens with Evie. The one thing that I dreaded happening from the moment I said that she could come with me instead of going with her dad....

She looks up from her magazine with a solemn expression and says, "I want to go home, mom." Which is Evie code for: I have to use the bathroom really, really bad.

"Evelyn, do you have to go potty?" I ask in utter fear. Cause seriously, what am I going to do? The doctor could walk in at any second, and I just need to get in and out of here ASAP.

"Yes," she says, "But I have to do it at hoooome...."

Once again, I am cracking up at my luck. I hop down from the table, grab my phone, and text Eric to "Come and get Evie - she has to poop!" Haha. I start to beg at this point for Evelyn to just hold on for one minute while we wait for her dad to get there. But I knew it was bad when she starting making some interesting sounds....

"Evie, for the love of Pete, please do NOT poop in your pants," I say, laughing. This is a child who hasn't had an accident of that kind since I can remember. I couldn't believe she was even entertaining the thought. "Are you going???" I ask.

"A little bit," she says.

I grabbed her little hand lickety split and marched her right out to the waiting room where (praise the Lord!) Eric was waiting with Gracie.

"How am I supposed to handle both of them in the bathroom?" he asks with a blended look of amusement and terror.

"I have no idea, but she really has to go!" I say I as I run back to my room, leaving my poor husband with one wild child and one about to bust at the seams.

I sat for quite a while back in that room...all alone...laughing and praying that Eric wasn't losing it. When my doctor finally came in to check me I felt nothing but relief. Good. This will take two minutes and then we can get the heck outta Dodge! That is, until she had to adjust my pants WAY down to measure my belly and I suddenly remembered the only pair of underwear I could find that morning.

Mortified. I was totally mortified in my old cotton zebra stripes, hanging out in all their glory. All I could think was, "Oh my gosh, I cannot wait to tell Eric about all of this..." We had a really good laugh all the way home. From the toot-fest in the waiting room to the flashing safari display, all we could do was laugh until we cried. I think that this is a lesson that should be taught in Toddler Survival School. Sometimes, life with kids is just plain ridiculous...and if you can't laugh about it, then you're in big, big trouble! :)


The Independent Spinster said...

Oh girl...your just cracks me up!! I love your girls, they have such awesome little personalities.

And don't feel bad about the Zebra stripes...I went to my lady parts doctor once on a day I had NO clean underwear. Try explaining that when they tell you to leave on your bra and underwear.

Cassie said...

bahahahaha i love all of this.

oh evie. crack me up!!

yes all you can do is laugh, it's the best!

Christine Pettijohn said...

Seriously laughed this whole post. You definitely got your hands full.

Ashley N. said...

Oh my goodness, that's HILARIOUS!!!! By the way, if you need a sitter for appointments, give me a call.....I would love to wrangle those girls for a few hours!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, thanks for your realness! april r


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