Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Healing

Hello, friends.

I haven't felt much like blogging for the past few days. It's been a roller coaster around here. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I debated on whether or not to share this at all...but ultimately I decided that I needed to. It deserves to be shared.

Recently Eric and I found out that we were expecting a big SURPRISE - Robert Baby #4! And boy do I mean surprise, cause we sure weren't trying. ;) I have to say that I was freaking out way more than Eric was when we first found out, haha. You couldn't wipe the grin off of his face. Eric has always wanted four kids, and ever since we started having children of our own, I have never been able to fully commit to having a family of that size - and especially not so soon. How in the world would I handle four kids under five??

Well, as usual we were in full on baby mode from the start. We couldn't talk about anything except about the fact that we were definitely going to have to move. We needed a bigger vehicle. And this was going to affect some career moves for Eric over the next year or so. The day before we found out we were expecting we had planned to put down a pretty substantial amount of money on our debt...and once we saw that positive test we knew that we couldn't do that. Everything was about to change for us, once again.

After the initial shock wore off, we giggly talked about baby names and how insane our life is. :) We decided not to tell anyone our news until we were able to go to our first doctors appointment to get that first picture and hear that heart beating. We didn't even tell the girls. Boy am I glad we didn't.

Last Thursday I woke up to discover that I was miscarrying our baby. Eric had already left for work that morning, and there was no way I could wait all day to tell him. It was a very hard phone call to make. I honestly don't remember a lot from those first few hours except that I said, "Oh no, oh no..." quite a lot. I had three kids to take care of, a daughter to get to school, and no one even knew that I had ever been pregnant.

There were a lot of very happy things happening in our family this weekend, and we didn't want to spoil any of it by sharing the news until just yesterday. We have been enjoying spending time with Eric's brother Denny and his wife April and the rest of the family. The girls just adore them. Family is very important, and I'm glad that we've had reasons to laugh and celebrate and be distracted. But we are still sad, and I do feel like a little piece of our family is missing today. We already had hopes and dreams for that baby. God had other plans.

Today I am thankful for the grace and sovereignty of a God who has control of my life. He has a plan and he knows the future, because he's already been there. I can't dwell on the why, I can only rest assured in the perfection of his plan. I may never get to hold my baby while here on this earth, but my child is fine apart from me. More than fine. My precious baby will never know the pains of this world. God is good. Always.

At the recommendation of a nurse at my doctor's office, I took another pregnancy test...even the midst of a miscarriage...just to make 100% certain that I was pregnant and not having complications of another sort. I waited a day and took another test. It was still positive. So yes, without a doubt, there was a little life inside, and now there is not. I am still dealing with the miscarriage, but I am fine. We're doing okay. And I have been counting my blessings. There was never...not even for a moment...anger over this situation. How can I look at the three beautiful children I have already been blessed with and be angry? More than once, in a whisper, I have been reminded that they aren't mine, anyway. :) They are just on loan to us to love. Our latest baby was only loaned for a short time...practically the blink of an eye...before God said, "Nope - I want them back. They're mine to keep."

There is no doubt in our minds now that we are not done adding to our family. Where there was once uncertainty, now I am certain. When and where and how in life's journey that's going to come about, I don't know. But we are not finished. One more child, at least one more, will bear the Robert name if we have anything to say about it. And you know what? Someone may exist in this world that wouldn't have existed otherwise. If this pregnancy had gone as planned, we would have been done having children right then. So see? There is always a reason. There are other, greater purposes. Always. I have learned not to question, but to trust. Faith is a powerful thing if you can find it. Or rather, if it finds you.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1.

Eric is in Boston for a few days, and I'm holding down the fort. Our kids still have no idea what has been going on. And life is just going to keep on moving forward. I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers as I continue to heal.

I'll leave you with the lyrics of a song that is pretty popular on the radio right now, but which are very real to me today. Hope you guys have a great day, and I think I'm finally ready to get back into the swing of things. It's a new day.


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

-Blessings, Laura Story

9 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh Adrien. I am truly sorry. I've been there before & it is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Time does heal all wounds, but you already know that. It's a good thing that you shared. So many women go through this & not enough of them talk about it. You are always a teacher in one way or another. Even when it's your own heartache. I love that about you. Hold those babies tight, rest, and know that I am only a phone call away. I love you & your beautiful family with every ounce of my heart.

Heather said...

I am so glad you decided to share. It helps to heal so much faster if you have the support of friends and family. Im still here ifyou need anything. That offer definitely extends past last week.

Someonesmomma said...

I'm so sorry to hear this......I'm thinking of you....

Meagan said...

Oh my goodness Adrien, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through but it seems like you are on the right path to recovering emotionally from this. I have no doubt that it is going to be hard but you are one of the strongest people that I know, so I am positive that you are going to be able overcome it and it seems as if you already have the right outlook on the situation, God has a plan for everything! If you ever need anything please do not hesitate to ask!

Adrien said...

Thank you so much, friends. I really do draw strength from the encouragement of friends and family...it was hard not sharing, even for a short time. And I know that Eric appreciates it, too. Love!

Cassie said...

big big hugs to you and your family. i am so sorry to hear this but i don't think you could have said this in a better way. how can you be angry is right, look at the three awesome, amazing, healthy blessings you have.

please let us know if you need anything!!

Glingdidit said...

I'm thinking about you today. Though it's been nearly 5 years since we went through the same thing, I'm still amazed that the healing God brought us when we shared with others. It was like people came out of the woodwork to share their own stories and give us hope. I hope you're feeling that same hope and understanding. I'll never forget that day, and I'll never forget our first child, just as I'm sure you won't either. It makes me snuggle my little girl a little more every day. So love on your kiddo's and take some time to rest (which yeah, I know, hard to do when those same kiddo's are running around like crazy!) :-)

sblind2 said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this - I will keep you and Eric in my thoughts and prayers

Katie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. We will be keeping you and your family in our prayers. God is still God and God is still good. I fully believe He has a reason for everything and you will get to hold and see that baby again someday.

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