Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Baby Beginnings

Grapes. I'm sitting on the couch with a bowl of grapes trying to chase the queasies away long enough to type this darned blog post. You know, I've been very fortunate this pregnancy to not have a seriously bad case of morning sickness. On a scale of one to ten...I give it a three. And I've had some 10's, so you better believe I thank Jesus each day for taking it easy on this gal. :) But when I do start to feel sick it sucks pretty bad. The last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer, and as with each pregnancy before this one, it seems to get worse in the evening. Blog time, for me. So I apologize again for the sporadic posting, and I'll just say once more that the second trimester can't get here soon enough!

I wanted to share a little bit about how our pregnancy began, mostly because I don't want to forget any part of this experience - our very last baby. I especially don't want to forget how this child is my little miracle. :)

Many of you know that last September we had a miscarriage. It was very sad, and it was very textbook. Everything happened in a very specific, orderly way. But while it was fairly predictable, you don't forget something like that, ever.

Fast forward to this June. I was standing in the kitchen one morning, and a familiar feeling came over me that sent me running to the bathroom. I didn't even know I was pregnant yet, but my mind immediately shot back to September. This was it. This was happening all over again. And sure enough, step one of my very textbook miscarriage played right out, as I had feared.

I talked to three people that day: Eric, my mom, and one friend who has had more than her fair share of experience in this area. The conclusion was that I should take a pregnancy test just to make sure that what I was experiencing really was a miscarriage and not something else. I took a test, and the results came back, fast and clear. Without a doubt, I was pregnant.

I cannot even tell you what a bittersweet moment that was. To think that something was over before I even knew it had begun.... I recall telling my friend Heather that "In a way, I wish I didn't know...."

The only thing was...while step one had happened as it had before...there was nothing else after that. I kept waiting for step two. I knew what should be coming next, but it never came. I waited and the worst kind of limbo imaginable...just waiting for the end so I could grieve and move on. I prayed for a miracle, but I thought it would take just that.

A week went by. Nothing. So I decided that I would test again, and if I got a positive result, I would call the doctor and move forward with things like business as usual. I took the second test and got a fast positive once again. (I swear, I've never had as fast or clear of a result with any of my other babies!)

I didn't hesitate to make an appointment that day. I was so tired of waiting already. Of course, my doctor is in very high demand and it always takes a while to see her for a first appointment. It would be another two weeks before we could confirm that everything was okay. I wasn't going to let myself get up too much hope. At the same time...I couldn't help it. :) I just wanted to happy. I wanted to think of my baby and dream, not be sad every time it crossed my mind. In that two weeks there were picnics and parades and weddings and all sorts of other things to enjoy, while I was harboring a secret and just praying that everything was okay.

Finally the day of my appointment arrived. It's a day Eric and I always look forward to. We turn it into a date and make sure we have a nice meal afterwards so we can talk and plan. And we have been equally giddy each time...from our first baby to our fourth. :)

When we were taken back for the ultrasound, I have to admit that I was holding my breath. My worst fear was that we would look up at the screen and there would be nothing there. I was ready to be at peace with that. And for one brief moment, in the first pictures on the monitor, I did think that there was nothing there. But it turns out our little peanut was just being shy, tucked away to one corner. He (or she) almost blended in with the rest of the surroundings. And then finally...FINALLY...we heard the most beautiful sound in the world, our baby's heart beating.

And it was then, for the first time in almost a month, that I was able to breath a sigh of deep relief.

This is the best picture of our child that I have, haha. 

The girls had already known what was going on for a while. It's hard to keep anything a secret from them these days! I couldn't wait to get home to tell them that there was, for sure, a baby in my belly. As we pulled into my mom's driveway that evening to pick them up, I'll never forget Evelyn running to the gate, her face just glowing, and asking, "Is there a baby??" Eric and I were so happy to tell them that yes, there was!

We knew we wouldn't be able to keep the secret long after that, nor did we want to. Evelyn was starting to let the news slip left and right, and if we wanted a chance to tell people ourselves, we were going to have to do it already! So we made our video and put it right here on the ole blog. Now here we are. :)

Emotional roller coaster, for sure. I still don't know exactly what happened a month ago...we have several theories...but none of them matter in the end. We have one baby with a real heartbeat and that is making me REAL tired and giving me some REAL morning sickness, so I'll take it! I'll take it gladly. :)

The girls are just SO excited about the whole thing. One mention of the baby, and I have the power to turn a tantrum to quiet, to turn a frown upside down, to send little kids running to rub my belly. It's pretty great, haha.

Evelyn wants a boy. Gracie wants a girl. Reagan is completely clueless. And once again, Eric and I don't honestly care what the gender is. On one hand, yes it would be nice to give Reagan a brother and equal things out. On the other hand, I sure do miss buying little baby girl things! I do know one thing, I wanna know, and I wanna know soon - I'm ready to shop! :D We've never had a baby in the first part of the year. And since I'm a sucker for themed clothing, I don't think this child wants to wear Christmas hand-me-downs in May. Oh darn, looks like we need some new stuff. Haha.

There is so much to talk and think about...including the fact that we still plan to move just months after this baby will be born. Where the heck we're going to find a rental big enough for all of us is beyond me. We are certainly going to buy a house in the not-too-distant future, but until we're done saving, we've gotta live somewhere! We're already dreading the search, but God has always provided for us before. I trust that he will again, and since that is all a year away, we'll just focus on the here and now.

Hey, those grapes kind of worked. Not feeling too shabby right now! It's so funny...just from the way things have gone and from the ultrasound we had I just get the feeling this child sends me little reminders of, "Hey, I'm still here, you know. I'm quiet, but I'm here. Let me send you a wave a nausea so you don't forget me, mom." :) I can only pray that this one will be nice and easy going - we already have the rambunctious one in the family. Position has been filled - and we don't need two kids vying for the role, believe me.

Thank you so much if you've made it this far. It feels good to share things, sometimes. On rare occasions this blog is more like a diary, haha. So if you've seen me in the last month and I've looked a little scatterbrained, now you know. It wasn't all sunshine and daises, but things are looking up now. All of the support and encouragement has meant even more to me this time given the circumstances. To hear "congratulations!" instead of condolences means the world. I just thank God for allowing us to have this blessing!


Heather said...

Again, I'm so glad everything worked out for the best. Starting to feel a little bond with this peanut, and so glad you trusted me with your secret!'s always a good feeling when you can use bad experiences from your past to help others. It's a silver lining :)

Christine Pettijohn said...

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Vince and I have been there, not fun at all. I pray this pregnancy continues to go good and look forward to reading more blogs about it. Happy to help if you ever need anything. I am around the house on Thursdays and Fridays.

Cassie said...

this is awesome. just like you said, whatever happened, happened. and for a reason. what matters is that baby growing inside of you. i am SO excited for your growing family!! best of luck.

Adrien said...

Yes, that's a great way to think about it, Heather. I immediately thought of you when it all started.

Thank you friends! We're really excited for what we've been given! :D

Sara Simpson said...

So exciting!!!!!!! Congrats again. Can't wait to follow this pregnancy journey.


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