Monday, July 27, 2015

Life Has Sucked...not gonna lie.

This is for Eric, my amazing husband who is really missing the blog. Haha. Trying to get us back to "normal." We need it. I'm going to try not to ramble as I catch you up, but you know...not always the best at that. :)

So the last few weeks of my life have been extremely difficult. There are so many things that have contributed to that, most we haven't told anyone about, but the primary catalyst has been Eric's job (as you know) and several facets of what that entails. Our marriage has never been put to the test the way it has this month. Eric and I have both reached a breaking point...we hit bottom...thank goodness there is only one way to go from there (and things are better now) but I was so so blue for quite a while. The stress became way too much. I still feel a little fragile as I write this, and I hesitate to talk about it even's hard to share. But I can't be my authentic self without letting you know where I am emotionally. Fragile, but much better than where I was this time a couple of weeks ago.

Normally that is just life, and life gets hard sometimes. But in the middle of it all, Eric and I were convinced we were expecting Robert baby #5. Seriously. I had every symptom that I've ever had with all four of my first babies...every one. My period was late. I was an emotional mess. It was clear to us what was going on, but we were in denial...noooo! I mean, don't get me wrong. Clearly, we love babies. :) But we are not interested in a Robert baby #5 right now. Just not.

I took a pregnancy test. Negative. But I remained unconvinced.

Two days later, another test, another negative. Still, my body was giving me every signal that I was pregnant. One Saturday morning the family was in the kitchen and we were scurrying around with breakfast and getting Eric out the door for his job at the radio station. I was stopped dead in my tracks by sharp pains in my left ovary. They would go away momentarily and then shoot back again. I have never felt pain quite like that. I could hear it in Eric's voice and see it in his furrowed brow...he was worried. So was I. By the time he was walking out the door we were sure that I must have some sort of cyst or something that was throwing me off physically and emotionally. The pain went away and never came back, and lo and behold, a few hours later my mind was finally put at ease when my period came - well over a week late.

We are still unsure of what caused the strange symptoms and pain, but I have an appointment with my OB this Thursday, and hopefully we will get some answers then. Prayers are appreciated!

This is where I interject a huge "thank you" to Eric who has been the most supportive and encouraging team mate I could ever have. It's true that he is sometimes the cause of my stress (ha!) but he can always talk me down from it, talk me through it. I cannot tell you how many looong conversations we have had late into the night laying next to each other, on walks, on the phone, and (perhaps worst of all) via messaging each other when he is on one of his many trips away. (This week it's back to New week - Boston.) He is so sweet. I have always supported everything that Eric does, 100%. For the past few weeks, he has had to reassure me over and over again. I would never want to be in this position with another person - ever. He knows just the right way to talk to me, and I love him for it.

While our life has been full of stresses that I can't even talk about, the kids have been staying so busy this summer, totally unaware of the craziness that mom and dad have been putting up with! Other than Reagan running to grab me the occasional tissue (what else is new?) nothing has changed at all for them.

The girls have been on the go constantly, thanks in big part to their grandma Joan. At one point they were in day camp for 4-5 hours during the day, at Vacation Bible School at night, and they sprinkled some swim lessons in the morning for good measure. They have been to the fair and they've been blackberry picking...

...the fruits of their labor turned promptly into pie.

We've been getting our money's worth from the water slide (and I owe that thing my first summer tan in years, haha.)

We enjoyed the family fun night at church where the kids ran around playing lawn games and we stuffed ourselves with hot dogs and nachos and sno cones.

Baby Charlotte has GROWN. She is turning into a different little person, so squealy and giggly and just plain loud. She wants to be heard in all this madness. :) She has mastered head control and is an official little Bumbo sitter.

We adore her. She reminds me more and more of Evelyn every day. 

As for me, I've traded in the internet for books...real feels so good to read again. I've devoured novels in days. Eric and I are currently reading "The Girl on the Train." In between presidential biographies, Eric does enjoy a good mystery now and then. :) And that means that when we're in the car together, you might just catch us nerding out with audiobooks in lieu of music these days.

That also means that I've been neglecting friendships for a while, and I am so so sorry to those of you that I mostly have internet relationships with. When I'm not feeling great, I cannot stand Facebook. I think most of you get it, haha. I don't need 20 unnecessary angry flares a day from posted ignorance when I'm already feeling down. The abounds! :D I'm easing back into it. At least I'm going to try. Like I said...fragile. Haha. And I need to catch up with blogs as well. I miss people. People that are over four feet tall.

There are some fun things on the horizon and this Friday Eric plans to take a much needed day off so that we can reconnect as a family. Also for his own mental health, of course. Totally necessary. I may have been feeling icky lately, but I've slowly but surely been gaining myself back post-pregnancy, and that feels good as well. I've hit my "wedding weight" and I finally have fun shopping again, and that's always a great place to be. :) Eric has just set up a "jungle gym" (as the kids call it) in our itty bitty living space, which is actually some sort of gym equipment thingy meant for strength training, and as soon as our basement is cleared out we will be getting our own home gym. He's gonna be my personal trainer, because let me tell you what four kids in five years will do to a body - I'm weak! Muscle mass...what is that?? :) Looking forward to feeling great!

It's a new day. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes! Is that dramatic? Probably just a little bit. 

So that's it! Most of it. We are here and alive. We were barely making it for a while...I mean seriously, pathetic. But we're moving on up, and Eric Joseph - I hope you're happy now. ;)

Later taters.


Someonesmomma said...

I was wondering if you and your family were doing okay..... Glad to see you're back posting and feeling a little better. Hopefully Dr. M will have an answer for you. :)

Heather said...

I was just thinking about you this afternoon. I hope everything turns out okay at the doctor!! You two are so lucky to have each other. What a great support system! Here if you need anything!

Adrien said...

Thank you so much for checking in! It really means a lot to me. I didn't know if anyone would even pay attention anymore. :) Holding my breath for a good check up on Thursday!

Stefanie said...

I was about to send you a message if I hadn't seen you post this week! Praying for you. It's so difficult having them away and being on an emotional roller coaster is a stress all on its own. It's exhausting. And if you are like me, you don't sleep when they are gone so it's just worse. I'm praying for you! Hope your week flies by and your weekend drags in the best way!

April Robert said...

I am overjoyed to see your blog post Adrien. I was telling Denny that I was wondering what was new with you and the children. I am sad to hear this month was a challenging one for you. I will be praying for your check up with the OB this week.

You are a talented writer; I saw baby #5 in the text and got really excited, you definitely know how to narrate a story well. Denny and I are looking forward to meeting Charlotte when we visit, thank you for posting pictures. By the way, she has your eyes. =) Congrats on the home gym. Are you going to be doing a work out plan? Have you heard of P90-X?

I am happy to see you write and give us updates. Please let Eric know I thank him too.

Cassie said...

holy smokes - i have said it 23989 times - you are super woman. you have more power and strength than i could ever dream of. and i am in awe of your support and love for your family. and your dedication.

if you ever need adult talk - shoot us a message. we have a pool the kids can come play at. or even if you just want to keep charlotte and have some "semi-alone" time, the kids are welcome to come on over!
seriously - don't ever hesitate! ever.

Adrien said...

Thank you, all!

April, I had almost forgotten that you guys still haven't got to meet her, haha! I have no idea what kind of stuff Eric will have me doing, but I have done P90-X before. It definitely made me stronger and more flexible when I did it...but it also left me famished, and I ate like crazy! :D

Thank you so much Cassie. We do need to get together sometime! A few weeks of summer break left. I need to try to organize a playdate or something. :)


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